This week definitely focused on sensuality and connection with another person. It's hard to separate true connection with another person from acceptance of oneself. I feel like I am able to feel fulfilled in a relationship with another only because I am happy with my existence; fragility of the self only leads to an incomplete connection with another person. I don't think I am permanently, confidently self-satisfied (the ebbs and flow of the day week or month have a significant impact on my mental state), but I do feel that I'm in a better place now than I have been in years. My self exploration and self-realization over the past few years has been rocky to say the least, but I don't think I've ever lost sight of what I desire in life in relation to levels of comfort, levels of suffering, personal growth or, even more generally, what I think happiness looks like. Relationships have been opportunities for growth and have allowed me to see versions of myself I would not have been able to without a meaningful connection to a wife, partner, or short fling. I would like to find a way to have more meaningful friendships in life but I think US culture dictates that masculine relationships should be more surface level and less of a loving sharing engagement.
But if we were honest with ourselves, men cry, men want to be loved, men want to be taken care of, men want to be vulnerable.
So transferring my view of self as an emotional compassionate man on to my views of sensuality and passion, I think any relationship where the open honest communication exists is more fulfilling than one where bartering, shaming, or over explanation of desires is needed. When someone says, "I want to try..." a line of questioning about why would you want that or where did you hear about that only shuts down the flow of communication, but if the answer is yes let's explore that, or no I don't want that - then there is clear communication without making one person feel like something is wrong with them.
For me, sex has become a fulfilling exploration of the shared desire of two people to be closely interwoven with one another. The give and take, pushing of boundaries, complete loss of self awareness, and the discovery of our primal nature is a powerful, beautiful thing to experience. I've been thinking about ways to paint this exploration and my current competing themes are these two. Let me know what you think of them and which one you like more.
As a personal note for growth for myself, I would like to have less judgment of other people and more openness two thoughts and truths in this world that don't align with my own, If I can sit and listen and understand someone who disagrees with everything I believe then I think I am at a better place to both articulate my view of the world and also impact change in the world better.